Bullet Points – It’s Like Cheating For A Writer

Usually when I announce that I’m going to write in bullet or list form, that should be taken as ‘I want to write today but have nothing engaging, or intelligible, to say. So, with that being said, I am going to be writing in bullet or list form today…

* Today is Mother-In-Law Day. I know what you’re thinking, and it caught me a little off guard too: Isn’t Mother-In-Law Day on October 31^st when we normally celebrate witches?

* We can put up fake skeletons sticking out of the ground at all angles to decorate for Halloween, but I put out 3 meals worth of real chicken bones to get the neighborhood into the spirit and people call me troubled?!

* I wonder why more couples don’t play Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares To You” at their weddings.

* Jeremiah was in fact a bullfrog, but he was not a good friend of mine.

* I’ve often wondered how Barry Manilow feels knowing that Cher could kick his a$$ if the need to do so every arises?

* They say keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Is this still true if someone is your enemy because they have terrible body odor or bad breath?

* I’m not sure I should crave cottage cheese every time my 3 month old spits up on me.

* I had a horrible dream that I was being attacked my thousands of little Disney Princesses and that they were all following me. Then I realized I was just at Disneyland.

* Can an Italian restaurant serve food without playing Sinatra or Tony Bennett? Would it taste worse or something?

* Does anyone else ever get the urge to photo bomb a crime scene?

* Does anyone else find that they have to enunciate REALLY well every time they say the word “fish sticks?”

* I hear that Bill Cosby is making a hip-hop album. Though when he does it, I think it should be called Pudding Hop.

WHY IS EVERYONE YELLING??

My very good friend Kat just informed me a little while ago that today is International Caps Lock Day. SO, HAPPY INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY EVERYBODY!

NOW IS IT JUST ME OR DO YOU RAISE THE LEVEL OF YOUR INTERNAL MONOLUGE SEVERAL DECIMALS WHEN YOU READ SOMETHING IN ALL CAPS? I KNOW IT FREAKS SOME PEOPLE OUT, SO I PROBABLY SHOULD NOT OVERDUE IT. I GOTTA TELL YOU THOUGH THAT IT’S VERY, VERY, OH SO VERY TEMPTING TO WRITE THIS ENTIRE POST IN THE ALL CAPS STYLE!

WAIT, IS ALL CAPS ACTUALLY A STYLE LIKE SAY CALLIGROPHY OR CURSIVE ARE A STYLE? IN HIGH SCHOOL, I WROTE IN ALL BLOCK LETTERED CAPS FOR ALL OF MY HOMEWORK AND PAPERS. IT WAS CONSIDERED VERY NEAT AND UNLIKE WHEN USING ALL CAPS FOR EMAIL, NO ONE EVER ACCUSED ME OF YELLING.

THE ONLY COMPLAINT I HAVE ABOUT TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS THAT YOU USUALLY ARE SO USED TO HITTING THE SHIFT KET AT THE START OF EVERY SENTENCE THAT THE FIRST LETTER OF ALL YOUR SENTENCES ENDS UP LIKE THIS: tO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, MY NAME IS mICHAEL, ETC., ETC…. THEN YOU JUST END UP LOOKING LIKE IN IDIOT.

I’M GOING TO WRAP THIS UP NOW BECAUSE I AM FINDING IT EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO CONCENTRATE ON WRITING WITH ALL OF THIS YELLING. SERIOUSLY, AFTER READING THIS, NO ON ELSE HEARS THAT BELL RINGING? WHAT?? OH, I THOUGH YOU SAID SOMETHING. SORRY.

(NOW PLEASE GO AHEAD AND FEEL FREE TO LEAVE ANY AND ALL COMMENTS IN THE CLASSIC ALL CAPS STYLE…)

This One’s Kinda Cheesy…

If you’re a cheese lover, there’s really only one dessert for you, right? Yep, a nice fondue. However, this post isn’t about fondue, though it is about another cheese related dessert: the cheesecake. To me, it’s my favorite type of cake. Granted, I prefer pie, key lime is my favorite and my birthday is December 24th, just in case you are scoring at home. But If there were such a thing as a beefcake, I might change my mind. I mean, I know there is a word called beefcake, but that is an entirely different subject. Uh, let me get back to the cheesecake. I bring all of this up for a good reason. According to The Cheescake Factory chain of eating establishments, not only is today humping day, today is National Pumpkin Cheesecake Day! I’ve never actually heard of this day before (not that it’s stopped me from writing about semi-real holidays) but given the title of the Cheesecake Factory’s name, I am going to trust the source.

I know it’s Fall, except for in Southern California where it is a chilly 87 degrees as I write this, and everyone goes all pumpkiny this time of year. And yes, pumpkiny is a real word, though I am hedging my bets that you will not take the time to look it up, thereby allowing me to maintain that pumpkiny is a real word. During Fall we all go crazy for Pumpkin lattes, pumpkin spice coffee creamer, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin patches, carved pumpkins. So, it really is the perfect time to celebrate this holiday. And that’s exactly what I did. To celebrate National Pumpkin Cheesecake Day, I went out and bought an entire box of Hot Pockets. I WANTED the pumpkin cheesecake, but the Hot Pockets just looked so good. Though I did take that picture I used for this story.

However, don’t let the way I chose to celebrate keep you from celebrating with an actual pumpkin cheesecake. I made a pumpkin pie this past weekend and knew what would happen if I brought home a nice glossy mass-produced pumpkin cheesecake. My pumpkin creation would have the cheesecake placed next to it in the fridge and then every time I open the fridge for dessert I would grab the cheesecake. And then when I open the fridge to put something back after using it, I would push my homemade pumpkin pie out of the way and by Thanksgiving, when I open the fridge to find room for this year’s Turducken (crossing my fingers of course that this will finally be the year I get to try Turducken), I’d discover the old and moldy pumpkin pie that I so lovingly made with my own hands and somewhat fresh…ly canned ingredients. Let’s face it; no one really wants that to happen, which is why I did not bring home a pumpkin cheesecake. Well, because of that and the hot pockets thing….

So, happy Pumpkin Cheesecake Day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to try to get an executive with The Cheesecake Factory to take my call so I can get paid for this ringing endorsement and numerous product mentions I made for their pumpkin cheesecake. Let me clear, I have been talking about pumpkin cheesecake, which is available at The Cheesecake Facory. One more time: that’s pumpkin cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory. The main points here are 1. pumpkin cheesecake and 2. the Cheesecake Factory. Though if you wish, you could interchange them to 1. the Cheesecake Factory and 2. pumpkin cheesecake.

Cheesecake Factory

Pumpkin cheesecake


****If you were in and out of conscience as you were reading this, much in the same way I was while typing it, you can hear the audio version of this post here.

Two In One Day? (That's What She Said)

I recorded a second podcast today. To be all perfectionistic, I even made little note cards (ok, they were light blue Post Its that I stuck up all over the computer monitor, if you must know!). I wrote down all the topics I wanted to discuss so I would be prepared. It didn't work...

So, here is my second podcast for today...

Mondays Suck...And So Does This Podcast

Well my friends and enemies, we've made it to another Monday and only 6 more days til the next one! So, let's really live it up until the evil day comes around again.

I had attempted to assist you with this weekday enjoyment project by making another podcast which, as I have asserted before, is not me being lazy or taking the easy way out instead of writing here like I used to. Besides, there is no such thing as laziness, only Body Energy Conservation. If we have learned nothing else from Al Gore, it's that we need to conserve and be more responsible citizens. I'd like to think I did my part.

I can't believe it's already this late in October. It seems like just yesterday we were welcoming in this new year and I was excitedly telling anyone who would listen about my plans to bring back the denim overall into its once prominent fashion status. And good news folks: I've decided to do the same in 2010! Not because I failed in 2009, but because I have decided it's a multi-pronged project. For instance, prong 1: 2009. Prong 2: 2010. It's Like that.

OK, today's podcast really deals with none of the things I have just discussed, which hopefully will make you enjoy it even more. So, Happy $#^$%#%$ Monday and here's today's podcast...

Hey, I Remembered I Have a Podcast Site Thing

So, I decided after just under two years that I would try to podcast again. I know what you're thinking, but the fact that podcasting involves even LESS typing than Facebook or Twitter has nothing to do with it!! Gheesh, I blog, am on Facebook, I twitter AND now podcast? I'm pretty sure this makes me a social media whore. Or perhaps, a SMORE?

Nothing too exciting in this podcast, but if you make it through the first 2 minutes, the last 3 get slightly better, much in the same way that I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is only slightly better than the real thing...

In this latest installment, you can hear a few "that's what she saids," several dozen "ums" and my take on why it's called a "podcast." If you listen, I promise you $1 million bucks...in friendship dollars, only redeemable with me.

So, here is my latest podcast...

It's National Grouch Day, Dammit

Well, I awoke this morning to learn that today is National Grouch Day.  I sat down to write something from a grouch's perspective, but I can't.  After all, 30 Rock's season 4 premieres tonight.  So, I will just leave you with this grouch quiz.  Who in the montage do you think is the grouchiest?  Warning, I may have slipped one or two in there to throw you off.  So, I hope you have a horrible National Grouch Day.  Get it?  I wished you a horrible holiday because we're supposed to be grouchy?  That's why it it's funny...

Getting Schooled By The President

Perhaps you read this news recently, or perhaps you are discovering the horrors of it here for the first time. If that’s the case, let me begin by saying don’t shoot the messenger. And then I’m going to remind you that I’m the messenger. I do that because I don’t want you to shoot me. Ok, are we clear on that? I’m the messenger delivering bad news and I have no desire to be a target for whatever projectile you are about to want to launch my way after reading what I will eventually get around to telling you…unless of course you are shooting little balls of bacon wrapped cheddar nuggets. Then you can open up on me with reckless abandon. Well, not too reckless. We don’t want to waste any nuggets of perfection, which by the way is the exact opposite of what this article is.

Ok, now on to the news I wanted to share with you. Just remember reading it that I am merely the messenger. Oh wait, I’m pretty sure we covered that in the above paragraph. Yes, in fact we did. While I realize the 3 to 4.5 people that may read this are not of school age, they do have children of school age and will be affected by this much differently than those of school age. And here we go: The White House (and not the one at the corner of my street that hasn’t mowed it’s front lawn since Peter Cetera was a member of Chicago, even though no for sale or foreclosure sign is up yet) has announced that the President wants to extend the school year and the school day. Ok parents, go ahead and start singing “It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year” (preferably Andy Williams’ version, because that is clearly superior to everyone else’s).

Obviously, the President must have a good reason for this, like the fact that 8 out of 10 school children polled believed that Cap’N Crunch was a member of Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band, kids today think they are wearing fedoras when they are in fact wearing Trilby hats, the CW exists as a TV network or maybe even that we are behind many other countries academically. Just like in NASCAR (which is racing where cars turn left), when you are behind, you work harder to catch up. And clearly the President wants us to catch up.

Do you know how I caught up in school? I tried to joke my way out of a bad grade or the fact that I didn’t do my homework. Then do you know how I really caught up? Detention and extra credit, not that I’m advocating that as a solution here. The White House also believes that children are less likely to get into trouble after school when they are still at school or in some other academic endeavor like intermural chalkboard eraser cleaning. Obviously they have a point there. I can remember all the trouble I used to get into when school got out. I’d go home, pop a big bowl of popcorn, sit on the couch and watch WGN’s amazing afternoon lineup of Cheers and WKRP in Cincinnati, or if I was really lucky, their broadcast of an afternoon Chicago Cubs game with Harry Caray at the mic. So as you can see, it’s obvious that the President wants to curtail the after school shenanigans of bad asses like me. Plus, I guess there’s the “valid” (which I am saying very sarcastically, by the way) fact that kids who have working parents would have a safe place to be after school until their parents get home. And is any work at home parent really going to complain about having a quiet house or more errand running (i.e. Starbucks) time each day? Uh, no.

Ok, so we can almost make a case for longer school days. The summer deal however is a bit more to swallow (that’s what she said). While most parents yearn to send their children back to school around July 5th, I tend to like having my twins around during the summer so we can do all those fun traditional summer things together like huddling under the A/C vent, mainlining snow cones to keep our body temperatures at a safe level and calling all of our friends with pools incessantly until they invite us over. And what would happen to the traditional family vacation if the summer was cut short? I don’t think the President realizes how shorter summers would affect my family’s (by which I mean only me, with my extremely reluctant family in tow) goal of touring all of this country’s fine cheese and dairy factories. You didn’t think I was going to say National Parks, did you? I was able to check that goal off my to-do list now that Ken Burns National Parks documentary is airing on PBS! It almost makes me want to support PBS financially during their next pledge break.

Mr. President, I urge you to reconsider your plans to lengthen both the school day and school year. After all, can you blame this country’s youth for thinking that Capt’N Crunch was a member of Sgt. Pepper? Have you seen his uniform? I almost made the same mistake myself and I was a product of the traditional agrarian school calendar. Of course I am currently unemployed and my twins have to help ME with THEIR homework, but that’s the exception to the rule. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish reviewing the state capitals with the twins for their school project. By the way, does anyone know what year San Diego became the state capital of California? I’m thinking it was around 1350, but I want to make sure.

My To-Do List

We all have to go sometime.  Where you ask?  To work?  To the bathroom?  To that wedding of a friend we really can’t stand?  Jury duty perhaps?  Shopping for evil things like celery?  Well, not quite.  I mean we all have to “go” sometimes, as in die, pass away, ascend to that great amusement park in the sky.  

Before I do though, there are a few things I’d like to get the chance to try.  Yes, I could just call it my bucket list, but I may get sued and sent to Shawshank prison (yes, that’s a really bad double Morgan Freeman reference) and while I would love to travel to Maine, I was thinking of slightly nicer accommodations when I get there.  So anyway, here is my bucket water pail list.

*  Shoot an old fashioned cannon – I’m not quite sure when my desire to do this appeared, but I can’t wait to get to try this.  In a forest or a desert or a big clearing somewhere, I just want to load and fire a cannon and watch the cannon balls fly.  The target I’ll be shooting at, you ask?  Bowling pins, granted they’ll be a few football fields away, but it might just be the best thing to hit the game of bowling since the Wii came along.

*  Walk into a bar and have everyone call my name -  Now I don’t mean literally walk into a bar, as in collide with it, although that would probably get more people calling out to see if I’m ok.  I mean walking into an eating or drinking establishment and having everyone shout my name.  In fact, I’ve wanted this one for so long that I’d even answer to them calling out someone else’s name.  Except for Sue.  I do not want to have to answer to Sue.

*  I’d like to return the denim overall back to fashion prominence -  No, we’re not all farmers, railroad engineers  or construction folk (to be as absolutely stereotypical as I can), but who can argue with pants and shirt in the same article of clothing?  And let’s face it, calling them overalls instead of a Phirt sounds infinitely so much better. 

*  At the same time, I’d also like to see the fedora make a comeback -  (and really, how great would it be to see a bunch of fedora topped people in overalls walking around) Sure people like Jason Mraz wear one, but I mean having men in general don them with their daily work attire or for social events or for just going out on the town or for engaging in infidelity (ok, that last one may have been inspired by watching too much Mad Men lately).  I’ve been working on a slogan for bringing fedoras back, but the best I’ve come up with so far is “A plethoras of fedoras,” and I’m pretty sure the plural of plethora isn’t even a word.

* Flip an egg in the pan and actually not puncture the yolk.  Not too incredibly much to say about this one, but really, I’ve been trying to perfect the egg flipping thing since Junior High. It’s time.

*  Go to Graceland – Nothing too fancy about this one.  I just want to go to Graceland.  And sing “It’s Now or Never” in a full Elvis 1970s concert jump suit.  Complete with karate moves.  And giveaway scarves to soak up my perspiration (because that word sounds so much better than sweat).  But that’s all.  Like I said, nothing too fancy.

*  Bring a new phrase into the national and cultural lexicon.  Right now the two front-runners are “Harsh my Vibe” and “Cool Peeps.”  Here is an example of each: “Man, Facebook keeps harshing my social networking vibe every time they disable my profile.” And “I had a bacon and cheese omelet for breakfast.  It was cool peeps!”  Yes, obviously I am still taking suggestions…

*  Sit in a balcony and heckle – While this one sounds cruel, I’d really be doing it in homage to the Muppets’ Waldorf and Statler.  I’ve been working on some canned comments to yell in anticipation of the big event, but every time I practice them, I get threatened.  At least up in a balcony, there’s some safety from being harmed.  Unless of course you’re Abraham Lincoln…

When The Coffee Is Cold And The Donuts Are Stale.

That title really doesn’t mean anything, but it sounds kinda deep and therefore might get you to read whatever it is I’m about write.  Though telling you that up front kind of defeats the purpose…

!  I had the weirdest sensation last night as I was trying to fall asleep.  The sheep were counting me, but they started getting really frustrated when they kept having to start over at 1 every time.  I guess they didn’t realize it was such a bhaahd idea…sorry, that one deserves an apology.

!  When someone figures out what Elton John is singing about in "Honky Cat," will you please contact me at I.do.not.understand.a.single.lyric.that.bernie.taupin.ever.wrote@confused.com? Thanks in advance.

!  If I could be a superhero, I would want my super power to be a great metabolism so I could be a foodie and not have to pay the price physically.  Metaboman has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

!  I like to speak metaphorically and rhetorically.  I call it metorically and the best thing about it is that I never really have to make sense and when I ask questions, I don’t have to wait around for it to be answered.

!  John Wayne wore a hairpiece, which I think is just as bad as Kenny Rogers and Burt Reynolds having plastic surgery, or having ribs that weren’t slow smoked for 8 hours.  Although, you really couldn’t tell that John Wayne was wearing one…Yes, Misters Rogers and Reynolds, that’s a burn!!

!  My friends think it’s so weird that there is an earthquake that shakes the table causing us to have to start our Jenga game over EVERY time I am about to pull out the block that will make the tower fall.  Boy, that is odd…

!  So, I've been driving the same truck for almost 5 years and still can't find the cupholder without looking. I hate when you can't find the right hole and there’s all that fumbling around...that's what she said.

Time For Some Mad Rhyming Skillz Skills

Though not everyone celebrates all the high questionable holidays you can find on the internet (Hi Kat!!!), I am celebrating this one.  Today is Bad Poetry Day.  When I saw that it was, I got all aflutter (which has to be the dumbest word ever invented, well next to turkey bacon, that is).  I do bad poetry all the time!  Why just 2 blog posts ago I actually dabbled in awful poetry with my ode to Match Game, my personal chicken soup for the soul.

So, what better way as a wannabe writer to celebrate Bad Poetry Day than by writing…you guessed it, an 1100 word dissertation about how you should not be able to see the bottom of Porta-Potties when inside of them, especially at public functions like fairs and sporting events where there is really good food because you’ll lose your appetite faster than Lindsay Lohan lost her virginity…or credibility, your pick.  Ok, I’m kdding.

So, here is some bad poetry.  Some written before, some brand new.  I’d offer prizes if you picked which was which, but I don’t want to.  Enjoy the bad poetry…

Facebook
Facebook, Facebook, why do you dislike me so?
You disable my account as often as that of my friend Beau.
It is because I comment too much, or like to write on your walls?
Tis better I say, than writing on bathroom stalls.
I find it ironic that “I Can’t Live Without You by Nilsson” is playing as I type this.
That has no bearing on my poem, but it’s my poetic license.
On your site, I can talk to my long lost friends, much to my delight.
But then you disable me, in the middle of the night.
Perhaps I misunderstood what social networking means.
To you, I guess it’s only worth a hill of beans.
As soon as this is seen, I’m sure I’ll be disabled again.
And then I’ll be forced to create another profile that ends in “Christelman.”

Ode To Match Game
I love watching Match Game, that isn't so lame. Though some of your panelists were not very tame. There was Richard Dawson, always in the mood. That is until he joined the Family Feud. 

And there was Brett Somers and Charles Nelson Reilly. They both could say just one thing, to make you go smiley (bear with me, I don't have a lot to work with here). 

Dumb Dora got her blank stuck in a jar. You always had to be careful to not take it too far. On a card your answer you would quickly scribble. The only word I can think to rhyme with that is dribble. 

The contestants would hesitate to say something dirty. Though Gene Rayburn would try by getting so flirty. With his long thin mic he'd laugh and he'd ask. After all, that was this man's task. 

The panel was always so hip and so bold. Which is remarkable because they also were old. I can imagine they'd party with shag carpets and wine. They were so cool, almost before their time. They had great sayings and lots of word tricks. Especially on Match Game 76.

But alas, Gene Rayburn I'm not, that much is true. But I'll fill in the blank, if you'd give me a clue. Then maybe for once our answers would jive, even though your panelists are no longer alive...

Barry Manilow
Hi Mr. Banilow.  Yes, I am quite a Fanilow.
This One’s for You and all that you do
I like your music in a bar, I like your music from afar.
I like Mandy even more than I like cotton candy
No, I can’t smile without you, that much is true.
I’d like to take a weekend in New England
But when there wouldn’t be able to stop that song you’re singin
Although you didn’t write I write the songs,
Someone other than you singing it would just be wrongs (see, with the “s” at the end it guarantees it being bad poetry)
Then of course there is my favorite - Copacabana
Which is known from here to Japana
It looks like we’ve made it so I will wrap up this little ode
And then I will head right on down the road
So Mr. Manilow, please keep on singing
Even if doing so makes other’s ears keep ringing

Haiku Schmaiku
Syllables in five
I would rather speak in jive
Ok, that’s enough

A Love Affair With Cheese and Bacon
Cheese and Bacon
There is only one thing I can say
I must have you every single day
Not doing so gives me a rash
I am not sure what rhymes with rash
On you both, I would spend all my cash.
Hey, I just found a rhyme for rash
One is from a pig, the other from a cow
I’d like to merge the two, but am not sure how
Together your flavors would be exquisite
This is a subject I would like to revisit
So, my arteries I allow you to harden
I just wish I could grow you in my garden

Crazy A$$ Jedi
A poem about you will I write
Nothing but a Muppet you are
Gonzo’s voice you possess
Small you appear to me
Taught many a Jedi you have
Yes just talking backwards I am
This poem, sucks? (Ok stole that line from my FAVORITE movie)

Happy Bad Poetry Day!  I really hope you also do not celebrate it this way.  Oh look, another rhyme...