Tiger has no growl??

OK, seriously, Tiger Woods can say no to a police investigation for almost 5 days? And the police just say ok and then ask if they can come back the next day, just like a telemarketer would? Who else on the planet could get away with that?! Although my friend Arnie had better ones, here's my reactions to this whole Tiger thing...

* I bet his wife is really "teed" off at him

* When he crashed, I bet Tiger's first thought was "Oh Grrrrreat"

* I hope the eye of the Tiger was not injured in the crash. He needs that for his putting

* When he left his driveway he was aiming for the fairway, but just missed it

* I can't believe he wrecked his "caddy." They don't get paid enough as it is.

* I wonder if Tiger hit is "FORE!" head on the dash?

* To wreck that badly just leaving your driveway means he was not just "putt" "putting" around while he drives

* His car bounced of a "1 wood" then hit a fire hydrant.

OK, I think I'm done now...

But I Thought These Were The Turkeys You Pardoned...

President Obama carried on a tradition yesterday that dates back to John F. Kennedy in 1963. He pardoned a 45 pound turkey (and it’s backup) for Thanksgiving, thus sparing them from someone’s dinner table. The two birds, Courage and Carolina, were set to spend the day at Disneyland as grand marshals of a Thanksgiving Day Parade instead of in a warm and toasty oven.

However, calamity ensued late Wednesday night in Anaheim, California as the two pardoned turkeys arrived at Disneyland. The park's officials realized that the two birds were not Courage and Carolina, but two larger birds named Yum and Me. Phone calls were immediately placed to the White House to advise them of the mix up but it was too late. Courage and Carolina had already been ‘processed’ and were almost ready to be served at both the White House as Turduken and at a local Washington DC shelter.

“All I can say is oops,” said a White House official. “There was a mix up after the pardoning ceremony and Courage and Carolina were accidentally placed back into the wrong holding pen. I guess things like this happen all the time; these birds all look the same. They sure smell good though,” he added.

Asked whether or not the “turduckened” bird, which most believe to be Carolina, was still going to be served at the White House, the official stated, “well, he has already been prepared so it would be a shame not to go ahead and eat him. We’ll just be more careful next year.”

Meanwhile in Anaheim, Disneyland officials decided to remove the mistaken birds Yum and Me from the parade festivities and “process” them to be sold along with all of their relatives at the turkey leg stand across from “The Rivers of America” in Frontierland. A Disneyland official was quoted as saying, “we did some fact checking and apparently birds mistaken for pardoned birds do not receive the same anti-cooking protection under the law. It makes more economic sense to cook them and sell their sumptuous, overly fattened legs to our park guests.” “Besides,” he added, “have you had one of those turkey legs yet? They are amazing!”

The White House released a statement this morning that condemns the careless judgment of the turkey handlers. The release said that plans are already in motion to prevent this from happening next year. It calls for a congressional hearing and investigation, an improved ten-step post-pardon ceremony turkey handling process and possibly the formation of a new cabinet position to oversee all meaningless Presidential traditions. Lastly, the White House has promised they will use turkey shaped tofu for their dinner next year to make up for accidentally eating the official national turkey.

“We all feel awful about the mix-up. We will not smile, laugh or show excitement in any way as we try our best not to enjoy this turkey while we are eating its succulent and tender meat. Mmmmmmmm, tuuuurrrrkeeeeeeey,” said a drooling White House official.

If Only I Had Seen This Yesterday...(Holiday Repost)

...Or perhaps several days or weeks ago because of the lengthy prep time I am assuming accompanies what I am about to share with you. While perusing around online this morning, I came across a mention of a new take on turducken, which is odd considering that turducken itself is a new take on something. This creation was called turgooduccochiqua.

Now here is where I need to you to follow closely, because things are going to get confusing fast. A turgooduccochiqua is: a quail stuffed inside a cornish game hen that is inside of a duck, which resides in a chicken that is nesting inside of turkey. But hang on there because we aren't finished yet. All of those fowl ingredients (Get it? Fowl as in foul?) are then stuffed inside of a goose, which really brings that phrase from "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" that says "the goose is getting fat" to mind. Though in this case the goose is getting morbidly obese, but that's no fun to think about when eating. Oh yes, as if that wasn't enough meaty goodness for you, apparently the whole frankenbird is lined with bacon between all of the layers.

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Ok, that was me allowing you to catch your breath and truly savor the ramifications of such a delicious food concoction. It might just be the greatest newly devised food of this new century and quite possibly the best offered since the Campbell's Soup Test Kitchen gave us the green bean casserole with those Durkee Fried Onions on top or even spam or maybe even bacon salt.

One thing is clear however, we need to encourage Americans to keep experimenting in such bold culinary fashion. After all folks, America is a country founded by explorers and pioneers and that spirit needs to be nurtured. In the kitchen.

To say that I enjoy food is about as much of an understatement as saying that Copacabana is a good song (it's one of the greatest songs ever with its drama and anguish and suspense all set to a disco beat - to help you with the understatement comparison). All of this cramming of other meats into dead turkeys makes my mind wander dreamily to other food cramming and stuffing possibilities.

Could you just imagine the Scallshrobster? You're right. You probably can't because I haven't told you what it is. It's shrimp stuffed inside scallops that yes, are stuffed into lobster. Then there's the Cheese Hamfurter. This one is pretty self-explanatory. It's a hot dog stuffed inside a hamburger. You'd think this one would be a no brainer during America's Christmas - The 4th of July. Well actually, I guess December 25th is America's Christmas, but just saying "America's Birthday" seemed so bland and trivial.

Oh, how about the Keyconut Pie? A layer of coconut cream pie on top of a layer of Key Lime pie. This one might be an acquired taste, but then so is the music of The Ray Conniff orchestra and chorus and I've learned to love it. I am sure there is something involving bacon that could be thought up, but then bacon tastes good on pretty much everything. Cheese, another addiction of mine, would also be a good universal food pairing candidate. Wait a minute that could give us Chacon Bombs. Little cubes of cheese wrapped inside little strips of bacon and rolled together - hence the bomb label. Well, that and the fact that bombs can kill you, though perhaps just a little quicker than downing several chucks of cheese and bacon at the same time.

I would love to continue this fantasy stroll down the lane of crazy food hybridization, but 1. I don't think I used hybridization correctly just now, and 2. I am getting very, very hungry.

Thanksgiving Eve Eve

It's here. It's here. I'm not sure if that's actually what they call today or not, but it SHOULD be called that. I am going to write my local member of congress and suggest that he pushes legislation (or litigation - I'm not that particular) to make it so. After all, I'm sure it will be a welcome respite from all the health care and bailout stuff. And let's face it, it'll be cheaper, too!

Speaking of bailout (and bad segues), the president will pardon 2 turkeys at the White House later this week in the annual event that has taken place since at least Harry Truman. Gerald Ford even pardoned a turkey. It's name was Nixon. Seriously folks, these are the jokes...The pardoned turkeys will get to live out the rest of their lives at the turkey farm praying to God that their tags marking them as special, untouchable turkeys never come off strutting around knowing that they have been spared, though I bet it will make it hard for them to forge meaningful long lasting relationships. "I swear Tom, every time I get close to another Jenny, she disappears..."

While I can't believe it's already here, I love this week. There's just something about knowing the work week is prematurely over, Thursday is nothing but food and 45 of my closest relatives (at least 60% of who I can now call by their correct name) and then Christmas decorating. Oh and the annual turkey marathon of leftovers. Then there's the airing of "It's A Wonderful Life." I'm pretty sure that every time "It's A Wonderful Life" airs that an NBC accountant gets his commission.

I read recently about the original Thanksgiving and it has really changed my approach to the holiday. I've got one word for you: LOBSTER. Yes, lobster may have been served along with other shellfish at the first Thanksgiving dinner. Since it's too late this year, next year I am proposing that my family reenacts that first Thanksgiving, complete with lobster for everyone. Although, there was no pumpkin pie at that meal, so maybe I'd better go with a hybrid new and old celebration next year. Then again, do lobster and pumpkin pie really go well together? It's bad enough that everyone gets tired after the big meal. Do we really need them getting sick instead?

Well, happy Thanksgiving to all of you. May your bellies be full and your fortunes be fuller. Wow, that was lame. Ignore that...

Writing Can Be Exercise Too (And Not Just Because It's Painful...)

I was recently telling some friends that I'd like to work on a book to self-publish sometime next year. One of their first reactions was “don't you need to actually write sometimes in order to make a book?” While I found the comment rude and sarcastic, causing me hours of self-doubt and self-loathing, in which I needed to consume half a block of premium aged sharp cheddar (I'm drifting off track here, aren't I) to cope, my friends did have a point. I used to write every day, and then I found the Cliff Notes method of writing: Facebook status updates and 140 character tweets.

Those 2 methods of expressing myself are certainly easier than crafting 500-1000 word essays on things like the inherit awesomeness of fatty foods or why Tina Fey should befriend me and let me be in her personal entourage. Those same 2 methods do have fallout though. For instance, I can no longer have conversations with people without mentally counting how many words I have uttered and it's been at least a year since I was able to show my approval or appreciation of something without saying “Michael likes this.” And that brings up an entirely different issue. I now begin sentences by referring to myself in 3^rd person. So as you can see, Michael clearly needs to get back to the good ole days of writing in long form. Dammit....

Just as one cannot run a marathon without exercising and becoming conditioned to do so, one also cannot write a book by writing short little one line blurbs about what I am currently doing. Michael Christelman is currently writing about writing. Crap! Sorry, it seems old habits die hard. I'll try to reign that in a little more. Michael does not like this. AUGH! Double crap!

By now it should be painfully obvious that I really have nothing to write today. But much like that first mile when trying to run or getting hugs from all your old overly perfumed relatives at a family gathering, you just have to power through it. So that is what I am going to do. The fact that this document has sat open and unedited for the last 30 minutes is not going to deter me.

I could write about how I can't hear Julie Andrews' voice without thinking of Mary Poppins or how some people just cannot help but appear superior. I could write about how I sometimes turn on Glenn Beck and watch him with the volume down because his movements, gestures and facial expressions are so entertaining. I could write about how Hugh Hefner is putting in a petting zoo at the Playboy mansion (it's a heavy petting zoo...) Or maybe I'll write about how my spellcheck did not flag the word “Hefner” but DID flag the word spellcheck. I guess you know you've really made it when your name does not appear in MS Word with a red squiggly line under it.

I could also discuss the torsion physics theory and how many believe torsion physics is what the Mayans were writing about when they said the world will end in 2 years. But, I smell bacon, so I should probably go try to find where that is coming from. I guess I'll worry about the writing thing tomorrow...

Bullet Points – It’s Like Cheating For A Writer

Usually when I announce that I’m going to write in bullet or list form, that should be taken as ‘I want to write today but have nothing engaging, or intelligible, to say. So, with that being said, I am going to be writing in bullet or list form today…

* Today is Mother-In-Law Day. I know what you’re thinking, and it caught me a little off guard too: Isn’t Mother-In-Law Day on October 31^st when we normally celebrate witches?

* We can put up fake skeletons sticking out of the ground at all angles to decorate for Halloween, but I put out 3 meals worth of real chicken bones to get the neighborhood into the spirit and people call me troubled?!

* I wonder why more couples don’t play Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares To You” at their weddings.

* Jeremiah was in fact a bullfrog, but he was not a good friend of mine.

* I’ve often wondered how Barry Manilow feels knowing that Cher could kick his a$$ if the need to do so every arises?

* They say keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Is this still true if someone is your enemy because they have terrible body odor or bad breath?

* I’m not sure I should crave cottage cheese every time my 3 month old spits up on me.

* I had a horrible dream that I was being attacked my thousands of little Disney Princesses and that they were all following me. Then I realized I was just at Disneyland.

* Can an Italian restaurant serve food without playing Sinatra or Tony Bennett? Would it taste worse or something?

* Does anyone else ever get the urge to photo bomb a crime scene?

* Does anyone else find that they have to enunciate REALLY well every time they say the word “fish sticks?”

* I hear that Bill Cosby is making a hip-hop album. Though when he does it, I think it should be called Pudding Hop.

WHY IS EVERYONE YELLING??

My very good friend Kat just informed me a little while ago that today is International Caps Lock Day. SO, HAPPY INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY EVERYBODY!

NOW IS IT JUST ME OR DO YOU RAISE THE LEVEL OF YOUR INTERNAL MONOLUGE SEVERAL DECIMALS WHEN YOU READ SOMETHING IN ALL CAPS? I KNOW IT FREAKS SOME PEOPLE OUT, SO I PROBABLY SHOULD NOT OVERDUE IT. I GOTTA TELL YOU THOUGH THAT IT’S VERY, VERY, OH SO VERY TEMPTING TO WRITE THIS ENTIRE POST IN THE ALL CAPS STYLE!

WAIT, IS ALL CAPS ACTUALLY A STYLE LIKE SAY CALLIGROPHY OR CURSIVE ARE A STYLE? IN HIGH SCHOOL, I WROTE IN ALL BLOCK LETTERED CAPS FOR ALL OF MY HOMEWORK AND PAPERS. IT WAS CONSIDERED VERY NEAT AND UNLIKE WHEN USING ALL CAPS FOR EMAIL, NO ONE EVER ACCUSED ME OF YELLING.

THE ONLY COMPLAINT I HAVE ABOUT TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS THAT YOU USUALLY ARE SO USED TO HITTING THE SHIFT KET AT THE START OF EVERY SENTENCE THAT THE FIRST LETTER OF ALL YOUR SENTENCES ENDS UP LIKE THIS: tO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, MY NAME IS mICHAEL, ETC., ETC…. THEN YOU JUST END UP LOOKING LIKE IN IDIOT.

I’M GOING TO WRAP THIS UP NOW BECAUSE I AM FINDING IT EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO CONCENTRATE ON WRITING WITH ALL OF THIS YELLING. SERIOUSLY, AFTER READING THIS, NO ON ELSE HEARS THAT BELL RINGING? WHAT?? OH, I THOUGH YOU SAID SOMETHING. SORRY.

(NOW PLEASE GO AHEAD AND FEEL FREE TO LEAVE ANY AND ALL COMMENTS IN THE CLASSIC ALL CAPS STYLE…)

This One’s Kinda Cheesy…

If you’re a cheese lover, there’s really only one dessert for you, right? Yep, a nice fondue. However, this post isn’t about fondue, though it is about another cheese related dessert: the cheesecake. To me, it’s my favorite type of cake. Granted, I prefer pie, key lime is my favorite and my birthday is December 24th, just in case you are scoring at home. But If there were such a thing as a beefcake, I might change my mind. I mean, I know there is a word called beefcake, but that is an entirely different subject. Uh, let me get back to the cheesecake. I bring all of this up for a good reason. According to The Cheescake Factory chain of eating establishments, not only is today humping day, today is National Pumpkin Cheesecake Day! I’ve never actually heard of this day before (not that it’s stopped me from writing about semi-real holidays) but given the title of the Cheesecake Factory’s name, I am going to trust the source.

I know it’s Fall, except for in Southern California where it is a chilly 87 degrees as I write this, and everyone goes all pumpkiny this time of year. And yes, pumpkiny is a real word, though I am hedging my bets that you will not take the time to look it up, thereby allowing me to maintain that pumpkiny is a real word. During Fall we all go crazy for Pumpkin lattes, pumpkin spice coffee creamer, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin patches, carved pumpkins. So, it really is the perfect time to celebrate this holiday. And that’s exactly what I did. To celebrate National Pumpkin Cheesecake Day, I went out and bought an entire box of Hot Pockets. I WANTED the pumpkin cheesecake, but the Hot Pockets just looked so good. Though I did take that picture I used for this story.

However, don’t let the way I chose to celebrate keep you from celebrating with an actual pumpkin cheesecake. I made a pumpkin pie this past weekend and knew what would happen if I brought home a nice glossy mass-produced pumpkin cheesecake. My pumpkin creation would have the cheesecake placed next to it in the fridge and then every time I open the fridge for dessert I would grab the cheesecake. And then when I open the fridge to put something back after using it, I would push my homemade pumpkin pie out of the way and by Thanksgiving, when I open the fridge to find room for this year’s Turducken (crossing my fingers of course that this will finally be the year I get to try Turducken), I’d discover the old and moldy pumpkin pie that I so lovingly made with my own hands and somewhat fresh…ly canned ingredients. Let’s face it; no one really wants that to happen, which is why I did not bring home a pumpkin cheesecake. Well, because of that and the hot pockets thing….

So, happy Pumpkin Cheesecake Day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to try to get an executive with The Cheesecake Factory to take my call so I can get paid for this ringing endorsement and numerous product mentions I made for their pumpkin cheesecake. Let me clear, I have been talking about pumpkin cheesecake, which is available at The Cheesecake Facory. One more time: that’s pumpkin cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory. The main points here are 1. pumpkin cheesecake and 2. the Cheesecake Factory. Though if you wish, you could interchange them to 1. the Cheesecake Factory and 2. pumpkin cheesecake.

Cheesecake Factory

Pumpkin cheesecake


****If you were in and out of conscience as you were reading this, much in the same way I was while typing it, you can hear the audio version of this post here.

Two In One Day? (That's What She Said)

I recorded a second podcast today. To be all perfectionistic, I even made little note cards (ok, they were light blue Post Its that I stuck up all over the computer monitor, if you must know!). I wrote down all the topics I wanted to discuss so I would be prepared. It didn't work...

So, here is my second podcast for today...

Mondays Suck...And So Does This Podcast

Well my friends and enemies, we've made it to another Monday and only 6 more days til the next one! So, let's really live it up until the evil day comes around again.

I had attempted to assist you with this weekday enjoyment project by making another podcast which, as I have asserted before, is not me being lazy or taking the easy way out instead of writing here like I used to. Besides, there is no such thing as laziness, only Body Energy Conservation. If we have learned nothing else from Al Gore, it's that we need to conserve and be more responsible citizens. I'd like to think I did my part.

I can't believe it's already this late in October. It seems like just yesterday we were welcoming in this new year and I was excitedly telling anyone who would listen about my plans to bring back the denim overall into its once prominent fashion status. And good news folks: I've decided to do the same in 2010! Not because I failed in 2009, but because I have decided it's a multi-pronged project. For instance, prong 1: 2009. Prong 2: 2010. It's Like that.

OK, today's podcast really deals with none of the things I have just discussed, which hopefully will make you enjoy it even more. So, Happy $#^$%#%$ Monday and here's today's podcast...

Hey, I Remembered I Have a Podcast Site Thing

So, I decided after just under two years that I would try to podcast again. I know what you're thinking, but the fact that podcasting involves even LESS typing than Facebook or Twitter has nothing to do with it!! Gheesh, I blog, am on Facebook, I twitter AND now podcast? I'm pretty sure this makes me a social media whore. Or perhaps, a SMORE?

Nothing too exciting in this podcast, but if you make it through the first 2 minutes, the last 3 get slightly better, much in the same way that I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is only slightly better than the real thing...

In this latest installment, you can hear a few "that's what she saids," several dozen "ums" and my take on why it's called a "podcast." If you listen, I promise you $1 million bucks...in friendship dollars, only redeemable with me.

So, here is my latest podcast...